This year I did Christmas Eve/Morning, alone, in a 5-star hotel.
I didn't have to do this. I could have gone home to Texas. I could have go to a friend's house. I could have done a lot of things. But I just felt like being alone would be ok. & something I needed to do.
Two years ago I lost my best friend/cousin to suicide a week before Christmas. I was actually flying home from Chicago to see her the morning she died. That Christmas was hard. & so was the one following it.
& then two weeks ago I lost another friend to suicide. We were close and it came out of nowhere. In between these deaths, my life has been filled with uncertainty, divorces in the family, craziness, and so many other things. I just really wasn't in the holiday mood this year.
& it's amazing the looks I got checking in. Or sitting at the bar, alone, on Christmas Eve ordering my 3rd glass of wine. In the course of 5 hours I was gifted a free shot (or should I say a free glass of "wine" aka tequila because this is a fancy establishment and we don't do shots), 3 free drink tickets, a box of macaroons, and several stares of pity. I felt like everyone was looking at me- they probably weren't. & sure, I was lonely. I was a bit down. I'm sure I looked as pitiful as their glances told me. It was hard. Christmas dragged on. I slept the whole day- in my 5-star hotel room with room service.
It was simultaneously one of the worst and most relaxing holidays I've ever had.
The holidays are hard. We act like they are so exciting & happy & filled with love- and some years it's like that. Other years, not so much. I think we all need to be ok being alone and to know that Christmas is really just another day of the year. It only means something because we're told it's important. & we see Christmas "cheer" plastered all over everything for nearly 2 months straight.
If you had a rough holiday or celebrated alone- then cheers to us. Because it's not always perfect or happy. Sometimes it's sad and a struggle. I felt more alone this Christmas than I have my entire life. But it's ok, because I made it through and I know that there will be some amazing holidays to come. & You can also make it through. It's just one year, there will be more. Some worth celebrating, maybe some even more depressing. It's just a day so all that really counts is that you try to make it a good one, just like any other. ✨